From The White House

We all know the commercials. M&Ms melt in your mouth, not in your hands. But they do melt in your hands, and I’ve got the upholstery cleaners here right now because of it.

I was left alone this weekend. Laura went to visit the twins and do some Christmas shopping and everyone else is doing the same. Secret Service told me I had to stay put. Something about designated survivors busy elsewhere this weekend. So I was looking around the kitchen for something to eat, finding nothing and asked Ben, the guy on my detail to go and get an apple pie from Baker’s Square. He said he was under strict orders to keep me away from anything with trans fats. So that was out. I told him I was going to watch some TV on the new plasma in the Treaty Room. While I was on my way there, I noticed in the Yellow Room there was a bowl of M&Ms that Laura had served some ladies the day before. Looking around, I saw Ben had disappeared and so I casually lifted the bowl and carried it like a football to the Treaty Room.

I settled in and turned on some Walker Texas Ranger and dug into the M&Ms. After about half an hour, the phone rang. It was someone from the Secret Service said they were looking for Ben. I said I didn’t know where he was. Then they asked me to take a message for him. I went for my reading glasses and they were gone. They had been in my shirt pocket just earlier. So I told them to hold the phone and went looking. They weren’t on the desk or the chair, so I retraced my steps back into the Yellow Room.

I had found the bowl of M&Ms on the cocktail table. ‘Maybe I dropped my glasses around there’ I thought. So I bent down to look under the table. Then under the sofa. Then I lifted the sofa cushions and found them! As I was putting the cushions back, I noticed some brown smudges all over the sofa. ‘Holy Crap!’ I looked at my hands. They were smeared with chocolate! I’m not taking all the heat for this one. I think there’s plenty of blame to go around.

I remember my inauguration back on that blustery 2001 January day. I remember taking the oath of office. The most powerful office on Earth. I remember it like yesterday. But the days leading up to it are sometimes filled with a blur. Lot of people don’t remember much about those early days leading up, but one thing I do remember was my leaving of the Governorship of the State of Texas. I was sworn in, but I was never sworn out. So I’m thinking I still have a claim to the office of Texas Governor.

I’ll be through with being President in a couple years. I’ll be standing there swearing some other guy. A newbie. I have a good idea who that’s going to be, but I’m not speaking up right now. Anyway, I’ll have lots of things to do both in my personal and professional life. I’m sure I’ll be needed and asked to assist in running the country, either directly, remotely or maybe clandestinely. I’m sure I’ll be a part of it. Why would you want to mess with success? But I will need a home base, and I think the Governorship of Texas is where that’ll be. Since as I said, I was never sworn out of office there.

You’re probably wondering if this is true, why am I talking about it now. Won’t that give the ‘powers that be’ some time to trick me, somehow swear me out, foil my plans? Well here’s the answer. I’ve got it from a pretty reliable and powerful and influential source that since I was never sworn out, no one can do anything about it. In fact, bringing it into the public forum is probably a good idea so it’ll give people some time to think about it, ponder and digest it, and realize what a good idea it really is. Oh, I haven’t decided I’ll do it just yet, just kind of pulling down the draws and seeing which way the wind’s blowing for now.

Last week, at a state dinner party, United Nations Secretary General, Kofi Annan told me there are no words that rhyme with Orange. I disagreed and he challenged me to think of some. But before I could consider the consequences of what I was about to say, I returned his challenge and upped the ante Texas-style. I said something like, “Oh yeah? Well I think you’re wrong. Kofi. One-hundred percent wrong. What do you want to bet?”

Well I don’t have to tell you what happened next, but silence fell over the table of twelve and all eyes were on me. I was pretty steamed that someone would disagree with me in my house, at my diner party. After all, I was nice enough to have him sit at our table, one usually reserved for only the most important guests, and there were a lot of them there that night let me tell you.

After a few awkward moments, Kofi stood, raising his wine glass and apologetically said, “Mr. President, I am sorry, but I do not wish to wager you.” Now I was really steamed. If I want to bet someone, I do it. If someone’s going to challenge me, they ought to step up to the plate and be a man. I got power. People know that. I know that. But that shouldn’t keep people like the Secretary General of the United Nations from having some fun. Should it? So I snapped back, “Too late Kofi. You already said you didn’t think I could think of any words that rhyme with Orange, and I intend to prove you wrong. If you don’t want to stand by your words you shouldn’t be putting them out there in the first place." He tried to interrupt but I wouldn’t let him.

Well, the night went on with no further problems or disagreements of any kind. Kofi’s a good fellow and I have great respect for him, as he does for me as well I’m sure. Next time I see him I plan on proving him wrong though. Once and for all. I’m working on that challenge of finding words that rhyme with Orange. I’m not walking away from this one. No sir. I bet there’s hundreds of words out there. It’s just a matter of finding them. I am confident I will be successful.